Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Day #1, ?? to go.

Had a peculiar, imagined scent appear as I was driving home from the
clinic. I felt that I smelled magic markers very strongly.

Here at 1:53 am I find myself still too awake to try to sleep, though
I took my knockout-pill: the Lorazepam used as an anti-nausea pill and
an anti-anxiety med. It seems to work well for both of those, but its
well established that it makes a person very groggy as well. They told
me to take the Lorazepam tonight, but the they advised me *against*
taking the Ambien and the Lorazepam, as that would be a dangerous
amount of mellowness. But the Lorz is not working as well as the
Ambien, so that's why I'm still up.

I have some minor flu-like symptoms, as they said I would. I feel
achey and have a bit of a headache. Nothing too terribly bad,
honestly. But I suspect (from all accounts) that tomorrow (Wednesday )
will be the hardest day of this week. I'll be at those gigs on Friday
and Saturday, but I may have to resort to Red Bull. I think I should
get prescription uppers if they're going to give be so many downers.
FInally starting to feel just a little crosseyed from exhaustion,
which is about the only way I know I will fall asleep. Laying awake
for hours: that's prime-time for the old noggin to race in unwanted
directions. The person who just found out about their prostate cancer
has had similar sleepless night recently, and called this "The Long
Dark Night of the Soul," where you dwell on the worst possibilities
and star really thinking about your own possible mortality and how that
might affect those in your life. When you start to make mental lists
of how you'd divide your belongings and what you'd do with your dog,
you know this isn't helping anything. That's where the Ambien --
blessed Ambien - helps out. But tonight I'm supposed to be on my Anti
Emetic, so no Ambien. Boo.

I'm not sure how many rounds of Chemo I will have, I keep getting
different answers. The lowest I've heard is 3, the highest 6 rounds. A "round"
in my case has me being treated once, then treated again 8 days later,
then 14 days off to recover. This cycle continues 3-6 times. So the
actual IV-stick and wait in a comfy chair only happens 2 days out of
every round or cycle. The worst is not the treatment, its the after-
effects. So far, very mild, and hopefully they'll stay that way.


Anonymous said...

"The person who just found out about their prostate cancer" here, or PWJFATPC for short.

I should have attributed: "Long Dark Night of the Soul" was said of Mother Teresa (whom I am NOT comparing myself to), who was said to have labored on in those horrible conditions even though fighting doubts about everything, including even the existence of God, in Whose name she was doing what she did, and, if you'll excuse the run-on sentence, Christopher Hitchens, who ridiculed her, can cram it. The point is, one gets through the Long Dark and beyond the doubts.


lsikora said...

Someone once told me that a certain smokeable herb was great for nausea, but I personally wouldn't know anything about that......

lsikora said...

And I certainly wouldn't recommend it......even though it's legal for medical purposes in California

Anonymous said...

To be even more precise, the term "Dark Night of the Soul" comes from the Spanish mystic, St. John of the Cross. It was meant as a label for that period of testing that many (most?) of the saints went through, a period where they felt abandoned even by God. It's actually quite common, though the secular media going on about it in the case of Mother Teresa obviously didn't know that.

Which is more information than you wanted to know...

At any rate, the phrase will do nicely as well to describe the awareness of mortality and all that that implies...

Hang in there, guy.

the wife of PWJFATPC

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