tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50291294531406557732024-02-19T23:03:42.367-06:00The Unintentional ExpertOne man's attempt to make sense of a senseless thing (Metastatic Urothelial Carcinoma/TCC). With hilarious anecdotes.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger258125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-44285604635854261162017-03-02T00:37:00.000-06:002017-03-02T00:45:07.063-06:00Looking forward...<br />
March 2, 2017<br />
<br />
Dear Michael,<br />
<br />
You would be 50 years old today. Four years and nine months have passed since you died. Often you come to visit me in my dreams and I am happy. At those times I feel your comfortable presence, we talk, I feel your soft cheek against mine, and I hope the visits will never stop.<br />
<br />
The loss of you in my life remains hard to bear and I don't think that this will every change. But I am so grateful to you for your music. I have the miracle of hearing your voice and "being" with you whenever I wish.<br />
<br />
We know that you recorded your music so it would be shared and we have been working to bring your El Dorado album to completion. On April 28th, your loving friends will be sharing it with the world.<br />
<br />
Your are remembered as a warm and loving, kind-hearted man, a musician of many talents, and a wonderful friend and son. Our hope is that you will also be remembered for your original music—that it will become a lasting legacy.<br />
<br />
Your loving Mom and best friend,<br />
<br />
Marilyn<br />
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<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-83263934427773660272015-05-14T12:59:00.001-05:002015-05-14T13:06:03.122-05:00Remembering Michael<h4>
<b><span style="font-size: small;">Three-year Awful Anniversary</span></b></h4>
It has been two years, 11 months and 4 days since Michael's passing. Each year the two dates of March 2nd, the day he was born, and June 10th, the day he died, are emotionally loaded and a difficult time. Managing the loss has gotten easier with time, but it will always be a huge source of sorrow that he is no longer here to finish his life projects and realize his great potential.<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-size: small;">Not About Me</span></h4>
I have not posted here very often because this was Michael's blog about his Cancer journey and my posts are about missing him, which is inevitably about me, that seemed somehow wrong.<br />
<h4>
<b>Announcing Michael's First CD Release</b></h4>
However, remembering and honoring Michael is important and this blog seems an okay place to do this. So I want to announce and celebrate the completion of Michael's first posthumous CD, "All Their Best," a collection of cover songs he recorded from 2009 to 2012.<br />
<h4>
Sharing with Family, Fans, and Friends</h4>
It was a labor of love and sorrow for Sean Melom, Kevin, and I to compile and create this CD. While it is not perfect, we are pleased with the results and hope that he would have been too. It is a joy to hear him sing and laugh and play all of his instruments. We want everyone to have the pleasure.<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">We have printed 300 copies and plan to give them away to anyone who wants one. I will announce an Open House CD Release Party on Facebook and here so we can get them out to people. We can't sell them because we do not have copyright release from the songwriters. But we would be happy to accept contributions towards the production of his next CD which</span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> is in the works. This will</span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> be of his own compositions.</span></h4>
<h4>
Sneak Preview of CD</h4>
I can't give you a sound sampling, but the photo below is the cover art. It was taken by Jen Lynch on their trip to New Orleans in November 2010. (Love the smile.)<br />
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And his selfie photos below are on the back of the CD. They are from October 3, 2011.<br />
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Posted May 14, 2015 by Marilyn (Mom) Matheny<br />
<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-18056402504328185302014-03-02T14:21:00.001-06:002014-03-02T14:21:44.506-06:00Birthday Message from Mom<br />
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Dear Michael, today is your birthday and it is a reminder of the magnitude of my loss. I have celebrated this day with you for 47 years, with cakes and cards and phone calls and family gatherings. It is hard to accept that you are really gone, it seems that you are just out of reach, somewhere close, felt, but not seen. I wish there were a telephone connection to the afterworld so that I could talk to you.<br />
<br />
I want to tell you about your car, the Honda Element, how proud I feel to drive it, how it feels like being hugged by you every time I get into it, and how I appreciate the way it has handled all that this awful Minnesota winter has thrown at it. The memories of you that it contains give me comfort. <br />
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I am so grateful that there were no unspoken words or unresolved issues between us and so happy that you were able to say to the world that you loved your Mom. I will never forget my public birthday hug at the Cedar. Thank you for that and so much more.<br />
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<br />
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I was so proud of you and your bandmates of Long Straight Forever for that glowing night at the Cedar when you were on fire and you finally realized what we already knew, that you really were great a musician.<br />
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I love you, Michael, I hope you keep playing, somewhere, somehow.<br />
<br />
Mom<br />
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<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-45181789465634583122013-06-09T01:33:00.001-05:002013-06-09T01:33:19.372-05:00Missing Michael<br />
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Cried myself to sleep last night.<br />
I am not ashamed to say I do that often.<br />
Woke with a poem forming in my brain.<br />
A poet I am not, but I share it anyway.<br />
<br />
<b>Gone</b><br />
Away from us<br />
Away from the pain<br />
Letting go on that bright day<br />
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Brown eyes dark and dimming<br />
He is not in his eyes<br />
But he is in there, somewhere<br />
<br />
Reaching out for one last pet for Boo<br />
His grasps our hands to help him through<br />
His fear is strong, so is his grip<br />
<br />
Love flows to him and from him<br />
We stroke and hold him and tell him he is beautiful<br />
and so very much loved<br />
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His breathing slows and deepens<br />
Wrenching, racking breaths<br />
One last shuddering breath<br />
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And he is gone<br />
<br />
I miss you so much<br />
My son, my friendEclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-35867524848856220032013-05-22T04:59:00.000-05:002013-05-22T04:59:18.754-05:00Waiting for the Wisdom to Come.<div style="background-color: white;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdsG_PUtsueJnQNFjPseq6R6R2pLgCi-8yPLcfm8E1CTCdWSauRDVbCXu4h12mOcJxyGu4vOTBDl-FAQaEtfWhQf92iugmxaKoi31O8kBjZE19_8BdsQWISRwzcYaRke6jU63UWNoplhE/s1600/DSC06224.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdsG_PUtsueJnQNFjPseq6R6R2pLgCi-8yPLcfm8E1CTCdWSauRDVbCXu4h12mOcJxyGu4vOTBDl-FAQaEtfWhQf92iugmxaKoi31O8kBjZE19_8BdsQWISRwzcYaRke6jU63UWNoplhE/s320/DSC06224.JPG" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The past year has been full of sad </span>celebrations and painful <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">anniversaries in our Life Without Michael. This month, the month when we all knew, really knew, that we were losing him, has been very hard, and it will not get any easier in the weeks that follow. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There still are no words for the enormity of my loss, but I struggle to find them anyway. I want my remembrances to be about Michael and the mark he left on this world. But mostly I see the hole that he left in mine. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">His death and my grief have changed my life. </span>The profound sense of loss leads me to read and think about the grief <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">process and seek </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">understanding. </span>I keep hoping that time will provide answers. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">E<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">ach month has brought an increased sense of "normalcy" to my New Normal life, but I am still waiting for the wisdom a</span></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">nd I mourn the brown-eyed boy who was my son. </span></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I miss my </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Michael</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> so very, very much.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I watched the "GriefWalker" documentary tonight and was introduced to Steve Jenkinson's ideas on grief and dying. He message is that we should not fear Death and that Grief and Love of Life are two twin parts of being human. Perhaps he has some answers for me.</i></span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtRnG9E0vQhH-5sEJXvltK9VdHt93tsjScwqwOFGJONsc0y02G7fSv8jnBoT4WlIpRWeZFXT6htKNkEcAtFw45X7LbstfpbinG1Cmn23CzhY_Ku6TyreBmBNiza3pWGT6dDAMCZwNshsI/s1600/SDC10447heart+rock.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtRnG9E0vQhH-5sEJXvltK9VdHt93tsjScwqwOFGJONsc0y02G7fSv8jnBoT4WlIpRWeZFXT6htKNkEcAtFw45X7LbstfpbinG1Cmn23CzhY_Ku6TyreBmBNiza3pWGT6dDAMCZwNshsI/s320/SDC10447heart+rock.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Michael David Matheny</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-27128201141020952972013-04-13T20:13:00.001-05:002013-04-13T20:13:16.832-05:00Remembering ShandarMy first gaming experiences were at Marshall-U, in 7th grade. Mike wasn't there yet, but he started in the next year, as close as I can remember. We played AD&D and Traveller, mostly. D&D was great, because fantasy is great. But there was always something special about Traveller. For one thing, it was science fiction, and if there's one thing that's better than Fantasy, it's SF.<br />
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For another, Star Wars had brought SF to the big screen in 1977, when I was 11 and Mike 10.<br />
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And for another, Traveller had the best character generation system ever. Unlike D&D, where you'd roll your character's stats and then start them on their adventuring career, Traveller had you roll dice to take your character through a pre-adventuring career, with terms of service in the military, or as a diplomat, or whatever you chose. Depending on how long you stayed in, what choices you made and how the dice fell, you could wind up with medals honoring your service, a membership in the fabled Travellers Aid Society or even a starship of your own. You could also wind up dead.<br />
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Yes, you could get killed before you started playing. It was, in a word, awe-inspiring. Here was a game where getting ready to play was a game in and of itself. We loved it.<br />
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One of Mike's characters from these early Traveller games stayed with him over the years. Shandar was a recurring character for Mike, someone he brought into other games and into short stories that he wrote. Shandar was a starship captain, a free trader and sometime mercenary, familiar with firearms and willing to use them. He was from a strange icy planet, where the night was twice as long as the day. And he had the most amazing name: Shandar Ben Bransvik Fen Snar Snar Fen Grog. The first time I heard that name I knew I'd remember it forever, and to this day I love it.<br />
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There's a new edition of Traveller out now, from its original creator Marc Miller. When I found out about the project on Kickstarter, Mike was still alive, and I told him about it. He was excited that Traveller was still around, but I think he knew he wouldn't live to see it. I pitched in for the Kickstarter, hoping that I'd get a chance to show it to Mike.<br />
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I didn't, of course.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1XxQWO4LSpHVWc4Pcu0hGGhbtA7BzWxE9Rlu_lsL5EJsJsv50cliq5nKj9oWvoOXN6CuyAI5yhQsqepI0D8TFSOovWaa_HjFawwTJ42T5ifZ5bqobmbKz_5101mdo3166Hgxq82x4ZYQ/s1600/travellercards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Patent of Nobility and Travellers' Aid Society cards for Shandar Ben Bransvik" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1XxQWO4LSpHVWc4Pcu0hGGhbtA7BzWxE9Rlu_lsL5EJsJsv50cliq5nKj9oWvoOXN6CuyAI5yhQsqepI0D8TFSOovWaa_HjFawwTJ42T5ifZ5bqobmbKz_5101mdo3166Hgxq82x4ZYQ/s320/travellercards.jpg" title="Traveller Cards" width="240" /></a><br />
But when I got the email from Marc Miller asking me to choose the name I wanted on my rewards for the Kickstarter project, the choice was obvious. Traveller 5 arrived today. It's a grand thing, and in the box were two cards proudly bearing the name of Shandar Ben Bransvik.<br />
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Tonight, I'll sit down with a handful of dice and a copy of Traveller. And I'll raise a glass in memory of Mike, and of Shandar. And I'll see what the future holds.<br />
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<br />Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-64345088073610437932013-03-01T23:37:00.000-06:002013-03-01T23:37:07.604-06:00Happy Birthday Michael<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="text-align: start;">On March 2, 1965, Michael David Matheny was born, two weeks late by my, and my doctor's, calculations, a big (8+ lbs), brown-eyed, long-limbed, chubby, healthy baby boy. Easy going and patient in all things except food. He arrived into a household in turmoil. Three months after his birth and two and a half years after arriving in Holland, his father and I were packed and on our way back to the United States. </span></div>
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Telling the stories of Michael's life will give me pleasure and focus in the months and years ahead. I will post some of them here and I look forward to hearing Michael stories from others. Today I'm savoring some recent photos of him. Each is a story. I hope you enjoy them.</div>
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New Orleans with Jen, 2011.</div>
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New Orleans with Jen, 2011.</div>
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Nye's Birthday Party, with Kevin, March 2011.</div>
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Nye's Birthday Party, singing to Jen, March 2011.</div>
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NewYork City with Jen, 2011</div>
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North Shore? with Jen.</div>
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New Orleans with Jen, 2011.</div>
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Picking out pipes in Dublin with Ray and Gabriel, 2011</div>
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Meeting Boo.</div>
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Key West with Ray. </div>
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<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-61538334024098420132013-02-25T01:36:00.001-06:002013-02-25T01:36:32.846-06:00How do we mark Michael's birthday...??I got an email from Amazon telling me that Michael Matheny would be have a birthday in a week, on March the 2nd, and that I might be thinking about buying a book for him. I didn't need their commercial message to remind me, since it has been looming large in my mind for months. <br />
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It is all hard, this living without him, but somehow this has been very hard. How do I/we acknowledge this day? His wonderful warm presence is gone from our lives, but I have marked this day every year for 45 years and can't stop the practice even if I wished to do so. Which I don't. But I worried about what seemed the right way to do it?<br />
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I decided that my first requirement for the day was to spend it with Kevin and this I will do. We will be together with family and close friends. I think that surviving it, more or less intact, was the second requirement. I am hopeful about this happening also. The third was to give and get hugs from Jen and Ray and Matt and that I will do also, not on the birthday itself, but close enough.<br />
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I was aware that Michael liked to celebrate his birthday by having a big dinner party with lots of friends, at his favorite restaurant of the moment. I went to these parties and got to know his friends.<br />
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He enjoyed them a lot, both the parties and his friends. And I did too.<br />
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And that is part of what made this birthday hard for me. There are many friends who mourn him and want to remember him on this day. I wanted to have a Michael dinner party so I could see and hug them all for the therapy that this would provide.<br />
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I have not in fact felt up to organizing such an event, but if there are many who would want this moment to happen, please email me and we will make it happen.<br />
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Photos are from his party at the French Meadow, in March 2010, where I met Jen, wonderful Jen, for the first time. She was such a bright spot in his life that seeing her always makes me cry, with joy, I think.<br />
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Let me know how you will mark this day.<br />
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Mom<br />
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<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-86647362282686610472013-02-03T18:24:00.000-06:002013-02-03T18:24:58.337-06:00This is probably going to make you cry.As I write this, I'm waiting for iMovie to finish prepping Rocket Ship, so I can upload it to Youtube. I've spent the last 30 minutes or so working with it - Mike recorded it and added effects, but he didn't flip the video, so I needed to do that.<br />
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And I needed to add a title screen, and a copyright notice. Fair warning, Glee: You bastards steal my brother's music, and I will spend myself fucking broke fighting you. I'm not going to be reasonable about that.<br />
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So, Rocket Ship. I had no idea he'd written this song. And I had no idea he was writing music at all. He recorded this on February 10th. For some perspective, <a href="http://theunintentionalexpert.blogspot.com/2012_02_01_archive.html" target="_blank">this is what he was writing at that time.</a> The cancer was back in force, we'd learned that radiation therapy was not an option because it was back in multiple locations, he'd started chemo again and was dealing with internal bleeding from the botched catheterization. He was in pain all of the time, medicated to the point of dopiness, and alone.<br />
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And he was still making music, still writing songs. I hadn't heard the full version of this song until now. When mom posted the lyrics a couple of days ago, I was surprised to see that there was a part I hadn't heard before.<br />
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The part I'd heard is an upbeat declaration that he's going to fight this:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Rocket-ship, rocket-ship<br />Just close the hatch and hit the switch<br />Rocket-ship OH, rocket ship<br />Carry me away, fly me a-way<br />Rocket-ship, rocket ship<br />Take me far, far a-way </blockquote>
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Out past Mars, and out past Ju-pi-ter<br />Faster than light and gaining speed<br />If I can’t beat it then I’ll out-run it <br />I’ll go so fast, it can’t catch me </blockquote>
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I’ll fly round the earth, Just like Superman<br />Spin it ‘round, turn back time<br />Rocket-ship OH, rocket-ship<br />Send me to a better time </blockquote>
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They say I can’t change, what I can’t change<br />What’s done is done and set in stone<br />(But if) I can go back, I’ll make them see <br />I’ll grab a chisel, and shatter that stone</blockquote>
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The part I hadn't heard is softer, sadder:</div>
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But what if I -- came --- back (…)<br />And it was all… the… same (…)<br />I couldn’t make it go away (…)<br />Would you still<br />Would you still<br />Would you still (…)<br />love me</blockquote>
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Oh yes, I still love you. </div>
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I miss him so much. </div>
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You can <a href="http://youtu.be/kbZtDheY1B4" target="_blank">see the video here</a>. </div>
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Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-27844987706312292412013-01-31T17:15:00.000-06:002013-01-31T17:15:30.307-06:00<h2>
Rocket Ship, Oh Rocket Ship</h2>
One year ago today, Michael, wrote the rough draft for the lyrics of the song "Rocket Ship," below. He recorded it the next day and made a movie of himself playing it a few days later. I'd like to post the movie to UTube, with Kevin's help. It seems like an proper anniversary for the song. It is a heart breaker, but a great song. It speaks to his strong will to fight and to win his battle, "If I can't beat then I'll out-run it." Would that he could have.<br />
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I found this image with the music. It is the Bracket Park Rocket Ship, as it is today. It has been moved from its original location, enhanced and is now an art object, but it was originally part of the children's playground at Bracket Park, in south Minneapolis.<br />
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In 1970, Michael's father and I looked at and decided to buy a house in the Seward Neighborhood. We took Michael, age 3, and Kevin, age 4, to see the new house, which they loved, and on our way back to our rental in Bloomington, we drove past this rocket. We stopped and made our two children very happy by letting them explore it for what seemed like hours. It seemed a good omen that the home and the neighborhood would be a good place for children to grow up in. And it was.<br />
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<br />
<h3>
<b>Rocket Ship</b></h3>
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<b>©Michael Matheny @1/31/12<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Key of D (Mandola capoed in 2)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D G D<o:p></o:p></div>
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Rocket-ship, rocket-ship<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
G D A<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
Just close the
hatch and hit the switch<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
D G D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
Rocket-ship
OH, rocket ship<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
G D A <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
Carry me away,
fly me a-way<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
D G D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
Rocket-ship,
rocket ship<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0in;">
G A
D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
Take me far, far
a-way<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(leads?)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: 0in;">
(X)
(X) (X) (X) <b>- - -</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D G D <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Out past Mars, and out past Ju-pi-ter<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D A D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Faster than light and gaining
speed<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D G D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I can’t beat it then I’ll out-run
it ^<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D A
D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’ll go so fast, it can’t catch me <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll fly round the earth, Just
like Superman<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spin it ‘round, turn back time<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rocket-ship OH, rocket-ship<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Send me to a better time <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They say I can’t change, what I
can’t change<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s done is done and set in
stone<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(But if) I can go back, I’ll make them see ^<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’ll grab a chisel,</b> and shatter that stone<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
(Lead (S))<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<b>Chorus<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bridge<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
G
C A<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if I -- came --- back
(…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
G C A<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it was all… the… same (…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
G C
A<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t make it go away (…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
G<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would you still<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
F#m (?)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would you still<o:p></o:p></div>
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A<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would you still (…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
D<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
love me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<b>Chorus<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
(Possible
Acapella chorus)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
Possible 3<sup>rd</sup>
Chorus <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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End: (X) (X) (X) (X) <b>- - -</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p>P.S. I shared this with LoJo Russo today. She made me aware of the significance of the date. Thank you for that, LoJo, and for your love and support. She too, thought that we could handle seeing this now, I truly hope so. He changed the lyrics somewhat in the movie, making it even more poignant. I hope it is a good thing for all of you to see and hear him and remember how much we miss him. I'd love to hear your comments.</o:p></div>
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<o:p>Posted by Marilyn (eclector2),</o:p> Michael's Mom</div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-79611611956959001142013-01-08T22:42:00.001-06:002013-01-08T22:50:10.243-06:00El Dorado posted to YoutubeI've posted Michael's recording of El Dorado to Youtube.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhKxHtCV150">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhKxHtCV150</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/qhKxHtCV150?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
It's hard to watch. He looks good, and he sounds good. It reminds me of what I have lost, and it makes me cry. It's beautiful, and I am so glad he recorded it, because at least we still have this.<br />
<br />
<br />Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-44637273622851302112013-01-08T00:41:00.001-06:002013-01-08T00:56:58.554-06:00<h2>
Michael's Music Legacy</h2>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just before Christmas, I was exploring Michael computer and I found the following note from him to us. It was dated February 20, 2012:</span><br />
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Faced with the harsh reality of a serious cancer diagnosis in 2010, I began to realize that none of us will be here forever. In early 2012, while undergoing chemotherapy and taking advantage of good days and nights as they came, I slowly began working on cataloging and archiving all the songs and tunes that I have written. I also include a few covers (obscure and not so obscure) that I play. I will note which songs are mine and which I have covered.</b> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Some songs also appear on various recordings here and there, and some are seen here for the first time. Many of these are songs that no one -- not even those closest to me or my bandmates -- have heard me play. I thought it would be nice to get them down, just for the record.</b> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>The video is terrible, and is captured using the built-in iSight camera in my Mac into PhotoBooth. The audio, which is all that matters anyhow, was captured using a Zoom h4n stereo recorder, linked via USB to the desktop. The recordings will not be perfect, and are usually single takes.</b> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I retain copyright to all of my own songs, and likewise I also copyright the arrangements of my covers.</span></b></blockquote>
<div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">His movies and the recordings were not new to me, but now I understood them. It was really important for him to capture his music, to have it live on, and to share with us. There was already plan for a CD that was nearly completed, but with these new recordings there will be enough music for perhaps 2 CD's. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ray and Jen and Kevin and I are greatly motivated to help Michael see those dreams realized. Ray will do his sound engineering magic with the recordings that Michael has left and other musicians, like Matt Ogden, will help and there will be soon be more Michael music recordings that we can all enjoy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And it is a joy, I made a CD of his new recordings and played it all through Christmas and New Years. It was a balm to my sad spirit. I had a wonderful moment while napping on the day before Christmas. Mike S. played Michael's CD for me as I was dosing off and I thought "Oh, how wonderful, Michael is here." Almost, but not quite. But it was beautiful and I was so happy for a moment.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There are several of his movies that Kevin and I want to share on You Tube. The first one we will put up as a present to all of us. He is singing "Eldorado" and he looks so great, the way we want to remember him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Best wishes to you, his friends and family, in the new year and thank you for loving him and helping to keep the sweet memories of him alive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Michael's Mom</span></div>
Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-35884853829585576182012-12-14T04:28:00.001-06:002012-12-14T04:28:49.957-06:00<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<h3>
<b>Life After Michael, Six Months On, <br />How Are We Changed?</b></h3>
Aching loss and constant awareness of his absence. Sadness and bitterness at his life left unfinished. Surrounded by his beautiful, well crafted and quality things. Pain from sudden memories like lightening bolts. Joy for his music and the sound of his voice. Grateful that he escaped death so many times. Thankful that he was in my life for so long. Awed by all he did in his short life. Amazed by the number of people who loved him and were touched by him.<br />
<br />
How do I remember him, honor him and yet go on with my own life?<br />
How has his death changed me? Do I live differently?<br />
Has the sorrow marked me and set me apart?<br />
How have his friends been affected by his death?<br />
<h4>
<b>What did I learn from Michael? </b></h4>
I see that I am gentler with myself and others.<br />
Gentleness was always my way, but I more quickly give permission to myself and others to be imperfect and incomplete.<br />
<br />
I want to do things I have left undone.<br />
He was so tenacious and pushed the envelope so hard.<br />
I had given up on making any further mark or contribution.<br />
I was old and failing so why even bother to try.<br />
But I saw that he fought every day, not just to live, but to fulfill his dreams.<br />
He planned, until the day he died, to get up out of that bed and have a good life:<br />
to marry Jen, buy a house with her, finish his album, write more music,<br />become a teacher, go to Holland with his Mom and his brother,<br />travel with Ray and Gabriel, raise greyhounds, <br />enjoy the company of his family and friends ...<br />
<br />
So, I have a life, a good life, and damnit, I better use it well.<br />
That's what I learned from Michael.<br />
<h4>
<b>Other Lessons Learned:</b></h4>
Be open and honest with my feelings.<br />
Let sadness be there, but let joy also come in.<br />
Be patient with others and with myself.<br />
Be OK with retiring from the world for a day or a week when needed.<br />
Let those you love know it.<br />
Kiss them and hug them whenever they are within reach.<br />
Keep pursuing the things you want from life.<br />
Do not be discouraged, keep fighting.<br />
<h4>
<b>My Grief Journal:</b></h4>
<b>Month One</b><br />Will I survive this?<br />Do I even want to?<br />Can you die of grief?<br /><br /><b>Month Two</b><br />I guess I will live.<br />I seem to have chosen Life.<br />One foot ahead of the other.<br /><br /><b>Month Three</b><br />Soggy, tears and stress.<br />Saying goodbye to his house.<br />So sorry for all of us.<br /><br /><b>Month Four</b><br />Drowning in his things.<br />Everything different and changed.<br />Wanting the normal and comfortable back.<br /><br /><b>Month Five</b><br />Looking for focus and purpose.<br />Finding it in cooking and working with clay again.<br />Understanding that I will never be the same.<br /><br /><b>Month Six</b><br />Mind returning to better function.<br />Being busy is good therapy.<br />Sadness and tears are there, but do not interfere with life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Recently Learned:</b><br />
A grieving person experiences pain. The MRI of the brain of a grieving person looks like that of a person in real physical pain. But then we knew that. Right?Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-26079834664754550682012-11-27T00:53:00.001-06:002012-11-27T00:53:45.756-06:00Missing Michael<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8gQF9Bd50ahNrTZDvran3u_bR5y9cJwpBCf00Fm1sE5qFcpWp5Mx_zCJGSZFEKRa4D6N-fB9JM9ars4YXIzJLSo7GmGNZvzWqEDVHuxE90q0BB3Ix_d3WlctjVSVDcn4K5NIlMeNvva8/s1600/Family+2006.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8gQF9Bd50ahNrTZDvran3u_bR5y9cJwpBCf00Fm1sE5qFcpWp5Mx_zCJGSZFEKRa4D6N-fB9JM9ars4YXIzJLSo7GmGNZvzWqEDVHuxE90q0BB3Ix_d3WlctjVSVDcn4K5NIlMeNvva8/s320/Family+2006.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I am missing Michael very deeply today. Though I miss him nearly every hour of every day, in sometimes heart stopping ways, today I want to reach out and TALK to him. I need his ideas on something that is troubling me.<br />
<br />
He would listen to me in his you-have-my-complete-attention kind of way, respect my worries, give me insight, add his own personal knowledge, and provide help and the kind of support and balance that only he can give me because he is Michael, my son, and Kevin's Brother, the missing piece of my family. I miss you so much, Michael.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-88811370240022117242012-10-28T19:16:00.001-05:002012-10-28T19:16:14.775-05:00My daughter made me cryNell made me cry tonight.<br />
<br />
She didn't mean to. She was catching up with a friend she hasn't seen in a couple of weeks, chattering away about a book that the two of them have just read. They were having a very animated conversation about plot points and characters and the frustration that both of them have with the ending, and at one point Nell remarked to her friend Maggie "if anyone is hearing just one side of this conversation they probably think we're crazy."<br />
<br />
She got off the phone, and asked me a question. "Dad," she said. "When you were little, or when you were my age at any rate, did you have a friend you could talk to about anything at all?"<br />
<br />
I couldn't answer her, because my voice wouldn't work.<br />
<br />
I had a brother. And I could talk to him about anything at all, and he understood my jokes, and I loved him.<br />
<br />
The last thing I said to him, when he was able to respond, was "I love you." And through the breathing mask, he said "I love you too."<br />
<br />
I miss him every day.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-23029846965012542012-10-06T23:44:00.002-05:002012-10-07T00:08:22.462-05:00The Long GoodbyeMichael died nearly 5 months ago; a hard, hard, thing to come to terms with. We, who loved him and miss him, have tried to find ways to say goodbye. The letting go is hard, our respect so deep, and the missing him so huge that this seems impossible to do. It seems that with a traditional (sort of) memorial, an Irish Wake, a goodbye to his house, and three separate memorial concerts, we should be able to say that we have paid our respects and completed our goodbyes.<br />
<br />
Yes, a part of me knows that there is really no need to say goodbye to him at all because our memories of him will remain with us forever. We also have his beautiful and soul searching music to console us. And, joyfully, he was composing and recording to the end, which means that there are more recording of his music yet to come.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless there is still one piece missing. <br />
<br />
We found that Michael had made a list of things he wanted us to do for the wake, but we found the list only after the wake was past. As we read it we were relieved and pleased that we had done well in bringing together the people and music that he would have wanted, except for one thing. He wanted the poem, <i>The Lake Isle of Innisfree</i>, to be read by his friend, Bill Lochen. It was to be, I think, his goodbye to us. It seems a message that he was, and that we should be, at peace about his passing.<br />
<br />
So I reproduce it here for all his friends and family, his parting message to us. Imagine it being read by Bill Lochen, or you don't know Bill, imagine perhaps Patrick Stewart's voice.<br />
<br />
Posted by Mom<br />
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<div class="tab-content active" id="poem-top">
<h4>
The Lake Isle of Innisfree</h4>
</div>
<span class="author"></span>I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, <br />
<div class="poem">
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made; </div>
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Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee, </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
And live alone in the bee-loud glade. </div>
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<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings; </div>
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There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow, </div>
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And evening full of the linnet’s wings. </div>
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<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
I will arise and go now, for always night and day </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore; </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey, </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
I hear it in the deep heart’s core. </div>
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</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
<span class="author">By <a href="http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/william-butler-yeats"> William Butler Yeats</a></span> </div>
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Eclector2http://www.blogger.com/profile/02388402098315119840noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-85463866211876139802012-09-18T13:23:00.000-05:002012-09-18T13:23:13.096-05:00Minnesota Renaissance Festival tribute showI just got this from Michael's Gallowglass bandmate Lojo Russo:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>You are invited to a special memorial show for Michael Matheny on Saturday, Sept. 29 at 5pm on the Pavilion Stage at the MN Renaissance Festival.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>This show will be a time of remembrance and celebration and will include musical performances by Gallowglass and many of your favorite acts from the MN Renaissance Festival. A traditional “skiffle session” will follow these performances.
</b></blockquote>
Many thanks to Carr Hagerman and the staff at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival for making this happen.<br />
<br />
The Minnesota Renaissance Festival ("Festival" to some of us, "RenFest" to others, and simply "the Fair" or "the Renaissance" to many more) was a big part of Michael's life. He discovered it in 1983, I think. I know he talked me into going out there in 1984, in the summer between high school and college. He was assistant stage manager of Crown, where the featured act was Penn & Teller. Over the next few years, he talked Ken Larson out of being a juggler and into being a musician, met Lojo and (after some initial rough patches) formed Gallowglass Irish Trio, which made him part of the Festival forever.<br />
<br />
There's a lot of history there, and I'm glad that the musicians and cast members will have the chance to remember Michael in the place where one of his stories began.<br />
<br />
<br />Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-77438599995849704522012-09-08T11:26:00.002-05:002012-09-08T11:26:14.221-05:00Probate as a learning processSo how does this probate thing work?<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Basically, when someone dies, we have to figure out what to do with their estate - the things that are legally theirs, including both assets and debts. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Someone needs to do this work. In our case, I'm doing it, since Michael wanted me to take care of his finances. I'm getting a lot of help from Christina and Mom, and the rest of the support network, but there's a lot to do. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
First is getting the estate into probate. We're fortunate in that since Michael's assets were not significant, we can do "informal" probate. This means getting someone (me) named as Personal Representative for the estate. To do that, the primary heirs (Mom & Dad, since Michael was not married and had no children) needed to both renounce their claims to the estate and nominate me as Personal Rep. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A note on "renouncing claims" - someone who does this is not giving up the ability to receive things from the estate, they're just declaring that it's okay if someone else (the Personal Rep) makes the decisions. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I also have to petition the court to be named the Personal Rep. This petition needs to include an inventory of the assets of the estate. If there's too much money, or complex property stuff, then you may need to go into formal probate. That looks like it sucks; there are a lot of forms. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Then we wait for the court to process all of this. If the petition is granted (and it was), then the court can issue "Testamentary Letters" to let asset-holders know that the Personal Rep is indeed the Personal Rep and has standing to do things like get access to bank accounts and safe deposit boxes. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We also need to post a notice of Michael's death, to let any potential creditors know that they have a limited time (4 months from the date of my petition being granted) to make claims against his estate. We did this already. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I opened an estate account as well, to make keeping track of all this easier. And I hired a lawyer (my friend John Fossum, who helped us with the Power of Attorney in Michael's final days). </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I got an Tax ID number for the estate; this will be needed for the final tax return. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The next step (which I'm working on now) is to get letters out to the companies that have Michael's assets (like his bank), asking them to transfer the funds to the estate account. I haven't found a good template for that in an hour or so of Google searching, so I'm making that up. Once I get a form that works (that is, one that results in the bank just transferring funds without calling me for clarifications), I'll post it online. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
- Kevin</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-62520110518456787822012-08-26T12:05:00.001-05:002012-08-26T12:05:23.422-05:00A trip down memory laneI just got back from Disney World. This was a trip we intended to take with Michael and Jen, so it was hard that he was not there.<br />
<br />
Back in 2002, Christina and I signed up for the Disney Vacation Club - it's a timeshare, more or less, that works on a point system. We usually go every other year and stay in a two-bedroom suite, so the kids have their own room. This time, since we were intending to have another couple along, we booked a "<a href="http://www.mouseowners.com/BWVGrandVilla.html" target="_blank">grand villa</a>" which has three bedrooms, a dining room, a living room, a tv area, three bathrooms, a laundry room and a full kitchen. It's bigger than most NYC apartments, I think - more than 2100 square feet, which is as much finished square footage as my house.<br />
<br />
It's way too much space for four people, which reminded me of who I was missing. That wasn't all bad - yes, I'm still grieving, but I was also reminded of Michael and the trip we shared back in 2005.<br />
<br />
When he was going through his second divorce, we spent a lot of time talking, and had made plans to take a trip to Disney together. He'd never been there, so I was going to get to play native guide, which is something I enjoy doing. I made the room and dinner reservations (with a lot of assistance from Christina), and he booked a flight to Orlando. We were really looking forward to it, since we were not seeing each other much, with him living in Colorado and me in Minnesota.<br />
<br />
In between making the plans and taking the trip, though, his plans changed a bit. He was in his second motorcycle accident, which gave him some minor brain damage. Just enough that he had a hard time concentrating, making it hard for him to work full-time. It turns out that concentration is important for working as a communications specialist, researching and writing for publications. So he decided to make a life change, move back to Minnesota and return to school to get his BA in English and then pursue a Master's in education, intending to become a teacher.<br />
<br />
So as it happened, he spent a week in Colorado packing his house (with Mom's help), then put her on a plane back to Minnesota, flew to Florida to spend four days at Disney with me, then flew back to Colorado, got into a truck and met me at my house two days later. Wild.<br />
<br />
Our time at Disney was fun. I hadn't been there without kids since my kids were born (that's 1998-99 for those of you who don't know me), and it's a different experience as an adult. We spent our first evening at the bar in the Animal Kingdom lodge, which was a new thing for me. Not spending an evening at a bar - I've done that plenty of times - but spending an evening at a bar in Disney World. That was new.<br />
<br />
We saw Off Kilter play in Canada at World Showcase, and I think Mike bought one of their albums. We stopped to see Matsuriza play in Japan, spent afternoons idly wandering through the shops, and had a great time.<br />
<br />
One of the things about being a sibling is that you can communicate on many levels. We didn't need to talk in order to communicate, although we did plenty of talking. Our second day, we had dinner at Rose & Crown, and I learned about the way bangers & mash was served at the pub Mike went to with the Centennial Pipe Band on his Scotland trip - with the sausage "sticking up in a rather suggestive way" from the mashed potatoes.<br />
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We had an awesome dinner at House of Blues, with the best soundtrack I could have imagined - for whatever reason, they had an 80s new wave marathon going on, and we were reliving our childhood and talking about the albums we bought and the concerts we attended.<br />
<br />
It was a great trip, and I'm glad I got to share it with my brother.<br />
<br />
I wish I could have one more.<br />
<br />Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-48270309906103580922012-08-25T23:01:00.002-05:002012-08-25T23:01:33.225-05:00Dark companionThere's a song by Tuxedomoon called "Dark Companion" which Michael and I played on our radio show at Macalester back in the 80s. It's a dark, jangly kind of a song, which suits my mood rather well. <a href="http://youtu.be/Jaj2rZw2D4A" target="_blank">Here's a link</a>, if you care to check it out.<br />
<br />
I thought of it not long ago, as I was musing about the specter of grief that I carry around with me. It's odd, but sometimes grief is elusive.<br />
<br />
I know it's there - it sneaks up on me when I am driving, or walking, or doing any of a thousand ordinary things. I have that moment when I realize that my brother is gone, and I feel the tears welling up. Sometimes - when I am driving, most often - I put it aside, because I don't have time for it. Other times, I try to let it come to me, so that I can come to terms with it, and I find that it... slips away.<br />
<br />
It's like this dark companion, hanging around at the edge of my perception. Some of the color of the world goes away, and some of the warmth. There's a hole in my world.<br />
<br />
I miss my brother.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-62395959226794158292012-07-29T21:05:00.000-05:002012-07-29T21:14:05.588-05:00BaseballMy apologies for the long silence. I've been busy over at <a href="http://kevinmatheny.com/wordpress">my own blog</a> rather than Michael's, mostly blogging about baseball.<br />
<br />
But as I finished up, I thought of Michael. He made it to one of Alex's games last year, but wasn't well enough this year to come. I told him about the games, and he read my updates.<br />
<br />
I don't think he got baseball in the same way that I do - he liked it, certainly, and he and Jen enjoyed going to Twins games. But to the best of my knowledge, he never scored a game.<br />
<br />
I thought of one of the last text messages I got from him. I'd seen him at the hospital earlier in the day, and then left to get Alex to the game. I was on the field coaching, so Christina had my phone and was sending him updates.
She got kind of excited about the game - it was our 4th game of the year, against the only other undefeated team, our long-time rivals the Maplewood Express (seriously, I'm not making this up, you can read about it on my blog if you have the time) and missed his reply to one of her updates.<br />
<br />
His message was "Are the Ironpigs still ahead?"<br />
<br />
They were; we won that game and all but one of the rest, on the way to finishing in first place.<br />
<br />
I told him about the game the next day in the hospital, but he was drifting in and out from the painkillers.<br />
<br />
This was a painful, painful summer. I lost a brother who was my friend, and I had to watch him die and know there was nothing I could do about it.<br />
<br />
Baseball helped me through that; coaching Alex and his teammates in a magical season was good for my soul.<br />
<br />
Baseball season is over. We made it to the championship game and fought it down to the wire, but lost. We went down fighting, though - we had the tying run at the plate when the final out was made.<br />
<br />
The Ironpigs are still ahead, bro. They're still ahead.<br />
<br />
I miss you.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-29250999753638416982012-07-09T08:12:00.000-05:002012-07-09T12:45:05.339-05:00A mighty fine wakeWe spent the weekend remembering Michael's music.<br />
<br />
He's been in many bands over the years, but two really stand out.<br />
<br />
The first is Gallowglass Irish Trio, the band that made him a musician. Gallowglass shows are half concert, half comedy routine. As Ken Larson says, "We're Gallowglass Irish Trio, and if you came in late, we are musicians." This was the band that started it all, and watching him play with Ken and Lojo Russo was always a delight.<br />
<br />
The second is The Long Straight Forever, the band he founded with Raymond Yates and Matt Ogden. This is the band that featured Michael in full command of his abilities as a musician, writing songs, singing and playing his heart out. This is the band that featured Michael at the peak of his career.<br />
<br />
I love both of these bands, and I am so glad I got to hear Michael play in them.<br />
<br />
This past weekend, both bands were scheduled to play at CONvergence, a science fiction convention here in the Twin Cities. With Michael's passing, both were faced with the impossible task of playing without him.<br />
<br />
It would have been easy, in some ways, for Ray and Matt and Ken and Lojo to say "we can't do this without Michael." They could have cancelled the shows, and I think everyone would have understood. These are people that were my brother's friends, people who called him "brother" and meant it. Playing a show without him, playing his music without him there, was painful. But it was beautiful.<br />
<br />
Ray and Matt played on Friday night, with Ken and Lojo and Scott Keever and Gabriel Hilmar sitting in for Michael. They played his songs, and they played for him and to remember him. It was sad and beautiful and I am forever grateful to them for that show. At the end of the show, Lojo said, with tears streaming down her face "No ballads on Sunday!"<br />
<br />
Ken and Lojo played on Sunday afternoon, with Ray standing in for Michael, along with Adam Stemple and Scott Keever. As Lojo said, "it takes three guitarists to fill Michael's shoes." They did a fine job of it, especially Ray, who was goofing around as Michael would have, cracking up Ken and Lojo. He said he could feel Michael's spirit in him, and I could see it.<br />
<br />
Lojo proved herself a liar, singing a ballad she wrote for Michael, a beautiful song called simply "Brother" that put the feelings of everyone there into words. It was a show that combined grief and joy in equal measure, and a fitting last show for Gallowglass.<br />
<br />
Sunday night, we had a wake for Michael. He didn't want a funeral, he wanted a proper Irish wake. Minus the Catholic priest. He wanted a wake at Kieran's, with drinking and laughter and tears. He got that. Many of his (and my) old friends were there, raising our glasses to "absent friends." And many of the same musicians that had played over the weekend were there, along with others that had played with him over the years.<br />
<br />
Lojo played her song again, breaking my heart a second time. Ken played "Could I Face Tomorrow" which is the first love song Michael wrote. I cried the first time I heard it, listening to him play it alone on the end of a dock, playing to the setting sun and singing about love slipping away. I have cried every time I heard it, and last night was no exception. John Sjogren, an old friend and a fellow cancer warrior, led the singing of Finnegan's Wake, as much for me as for Michael. And there were many more songs, laughter and tears, and many toasts. <br />
<br /><br />
Jen remarked to me, as the evening was winding down, that this was what we - she and I and Mom - had needed. Not the memorial - that was about giving the rest of the world a place to show their respects, and it was good - but this wake, this gathering of friends and singing of songs. This was what Michael wanted, and he was right.<br />
<br />
It was a mighty fine wake.<br />
<br />Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-35759857576835710402012-07-05T21:28:00.001-05:002012-07-05T21:28:35.971-05:00On the durability of digital mediaMom, Jen and I have spent a lot of time going through Michael's things, sifting through a lifetime of memories. It's part of the process of grieving, and of finding the things that help us remember the man we have lost.<br />
<br />
I've been looking through the files on his computer, trying to make sense of everything. In the last couple of months, he and I made sure that I had access to all of his digital life - he gave me his password for his computer, and we set up a master password locker for all of his various accounts, so I could take care of his bills for him while he was in the hospital.<br />
<br />
But we didn't talk about his backups, and I wish we had. Like me, he was a computer guy - for most of his career, he worked on computers, and he always had a computer at home. Over the course of a lifetime, you accumulate a bunch of backups of various sorts - when you leave a job, you often take files with you, and when you switch computers, you may not take all of your files forward.<br />
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But as it happens, digital media is less durable than one might imagine. In going through Michael's stuff, I've found a bunch of CD-Rs that are unusable - fortunately, I think they are just work files from his Gambro days - and a hard drive that won't read. I think it was a backup drive, and his computer's hard drive is fine (and backed up to a new drive AND a cloud backup), so I don't think we lost anything.<br />
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But I wonder where his backups are. Back in (I think) 1996 or so, he created an album cover for the 5th Gallowglass album. He called it Wake in the Morning, and the only known version of it is this t-shirt that Lojo still has.<br />
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I'd love to find the original file.<br />
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Today's lesson: talk about your backups with your backup.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-43114094098117925932012-07-04T11:24:00.000-05:002012-07-04T11:28:01.166-05:00Instrument stories - the Bambu electricMichael was many things in his life - teacher, art director, writer, pilot, biker, and more - but ever since he first picked up a guitar at the age of sixteen or seventeen, he was a musician.<br />
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The first guitar he ever loved was an electric. This probably surprises some of you, who know him as a folk musician with a fondness for acoustic instruments. We grew up listening to The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem at Dad's house, along with Dad playing guitar and singing (Finnegan's Wake in particular is the song I most strongly associate with memories of Dad playing the guitar). At Mom's house, we listened to the Beatles and the occasional Fleetwood Mac album. In the late 1970s, we discovered punk and new wave music, and especially Devo.<br />
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I think that's what inspired Michael, and he decided he wanted to play guitar as well, and bought an electric guitar from the Podium in Dinkytown. It was a Bambu, an odd but well-made and beautiful instrument with a bamboo neck.<br />
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I found a link to a similar guitar: <a href="http://www.a6string.net/MI/bambu.html">http://www.a6string.net/MI/bambu.html</a>. I found that link on this page - <a href="http://forum.frugalguitarist.com/yaf_postst1587_missed-opportunities--the-Bambu.aspx">http://forum.frugalguitarist.com/yaf_postst1587_missed-opportunities--the-Bambu.aspx</a> - where the poster talks about playing such an instrument at the Podium in about 1979/80/. Chances are fairly good that the guitar in question is the one Michael bought.<br />
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Since he couldn't read music, but wanted to learn a song, after first couple of lessons, he left a tape with the instructor so that the instructor could figure out the song and teach it to him. The tape was Devo's Are We Not Men, and the song he wanted to learn was Mongoloid. The instructor put the tape in on the wrong side, though, and learned Come Back Jonee instead.<br />
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He never used the Bambu much, but he kept it over the years, and he never bought another electric guitar. He went on to become known for his acoustic prowess, and the instrument most people think of as the iconic Michael Matheny instrument is probably his Hoffman guitar, or his mandola. But for me, it's the Bambu, the guitar he used to play Devo.<br />
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His wish was that it go to his bandmate Matt Ogden. A few things worth knowing about Matt. Michael more than once described Matt as "so good he doesn't know how good he is," and told me that he lived in fear of the day that Matt figured out how talented he was and moved on to something better than The Long Straight Forever. One of Michael's favorite things to do in a TLSF concert was to just point at Matt and let him riff. When Michael and Matt first talked about playing together, Matt said that he knew nothing about Irish music or folk, and Michael said "that's <i>perfect</i>." He wanted a bandmate with no preconceived notions about what playing Irish music or folk-rock meant, and in Matt he found a soulmate and a brother-of-the-heart.<br />
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I want to hear Matt play the Devo that Michael loved so well on the guitar he carried for those many years, the first guitar he ever loved.<br />
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- KevinKevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5029129453140655773.post-35021474568709712172012-06-26T17:06:00.001-05:002012-06-26T17:06:12.462-05:00Do your family a favor. Write a will.Michael died without a will.<br />
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He and I talked about things a little bit, and in our last night together, his first night back in the ICU, he wrote some notes about his wishes for some of his instruments and other possessions.<br />
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But he did not have a will, which means we are going through probate. This is annoying, but not critical, at least so far. I happen to have a friend from college who is a lawyer, so I have someone to take me through the process and keep me from making any mistakes.<br />
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Michael and I did do some things to prepare, like making sure that I had knowledge of and access to all of his various online accounts - this blog, his email, bank accounts and the like. Please note that I am doing nothing with the bank accounts, as that would be illegal, but knowing where they are is going to be a huge help in sorting out his estate.<br />
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I understand why he didn't want to make out a will. It involves thinking of yourself as being dead, which is a hard thing to do, and many many times harder when you know that you are indeed going to die soon. It was hard for me to bring up, and I wasn't the one who was dying.<br />
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Today, I'm asking you to do something for your family.<br />
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Actually, several somethings.<br />
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1. Make out a will. Get a lawyer if you can afford it; if not, at least write our your desires and get it notarized. There are a lot of sources for doing this online; depending on your state, the rules vary.<br />
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2. Make sure all of your bank accounts are "POD" or "Payable on Death" so your heirs won't have to get affidavits to get your money. If you have a safe deposit box, get your executor or heir added to that as well.<br />
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3. Make sure your online accounts are accessible to your heirs - some sites, like Facebook, do a nice job of allowing relatives to easily request that a user's profile be "memorialized" but not all do. I use a password manager (LastPass) to keep track of all the sites I use, my usernames and my passwords. This has a side benefit of making it easy for me to use unique complex passwords for every site, increasing my security while I am alive. And after I am dead, my heirs can use one password to unlock everything.<br />
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As soon as we get through dealing with Michael's estate, Christina and I are going to meet with my friend the lawyer and get our wills in order.Kevinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06045457110736763954noreply@blogger.com6