A hour or so ago I met with the palliative care docs, the docs that specialize in pain.
The mega-doses of painkillers they've been using are having less and less effect. They're authorizing upping my Dylotid (not sure how high yet) and are replacing my phentanyl with methadone. This drug is (among other things) used by heroine addicts as a "safe" replacement. Hopefully this will give a clear picture of how powerful it is.
This ain't no way to live. I'm hoping with all of my might that the rest of my life will *not* be a balance between mind-numbing painkillers, and mind-numbing pain.
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We are praying for you not to have to do that balancing act, too. At least it's Monday, so you've got the first string working on it.
I've got to say, you *look* really healthy, if a bit sleepy, and that has to be working in your favor.
--Dad
I am hugely hoping so too. And I think by 5:00 PM today you looked like you had achieved some balance.
I hope that you have a good night.
Love, Mom
Yeah, pain stinks. When you just can't seem to shake it more than momentarily it enters a whole 'nother realm. When I'm hurting this much for this long, any relief is both a blessing and a curse. Of course you want pain to stop but if it won't stay away more than a short time, it is hard to enjoy the relief knowing that any moment it will be back. With my pain these past few days, that means I tend to freeze when I wake and realize the pain has lessened or disappeared, but that freezing causes the spasms to resurge as soon as I can't avoid moving. With the sore throat, it can be okay until I swallow, so as soon as I think about not swallowing, I have to swallow. In the past, I have dealt with pain like this, I know, but right now it is short circuiting my brain. Let's put our heads together tomorrow. I don't think either of us feels like going that far today. I will say there is hope. I've outlasted it before and so will you.
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