How do we mark Michael's birthday...??

I got an email from Amazon telling me that Michael Matheny would be have a birthday in a week, on March the 2nd, and that I might be thinking about buying a book for him. I didn't need their commercial message to remind me, since it has been looming large in my mind for months.

It is all hard, this living without him, but somehow this has been very hard. How do I/we acknowledge this day? His wonderful warm presence is gone from our lives, but I have marked this day every year for 45 years and can't stop the practice even if I wished to do so. Which I don't. But I worried about what seemed the right way to do it?

I decided that my first requirement for the day was to spend it with Kevin and this I will do. We will be together with family and close friends. I think that surviving it, more or less intact, was the second requirement. I am hopeful about this happening also. The third was to give and get hugs from Jen and Ray and Matt and that I will do also, not on the birthday itself, but close enough.

I was aware that Michael liked to celebrate his birthday by having a big dinner party with lots of friends, at his favorite restaurant of the moment. I went to these parties and got to know his friends.

He enjoyed them a lot, both the parties and his friends. And I did too.

And that is part of what made this birthday hard for me. There are many friends who mourn him and want to remember him on this day. I wanted to have a Michael dinner party so I could see and hug them all for the therapy that this would provide.

I have not in fact felt up to organizing such an event, but if there are many who would want this moment to happen, please email me and we will make it happen.

Photos are from his party at the French Meadow, in March 2010, where I met Jen, wonderful Jen, for the first time. She was such a bright spot in his life that seeing her always makes me cry, with joy, I think.

Let me know how you will mark this day.

Mom

This is probably going to make you cry.

As I write this, I'm waiting for iMovie to finish prepping Rocket Ship, so I can upload it to Youtube. I've spent the last 30 minutes or so working with it - Mike recorded it and added effects, but he didn't flip the video, so I needed to do that.

And I needed to add a title screen, and a copyright notice. Fair warning, Glee: You bastards steal my brother's music, and I will spend myself fucking broke fighting you. I'm not going to be reasonable about that.

So, Rocket Ship. I had no idea he'd written this song. And I had no idea he was writing music at all. He recorded this on February 10th. For some perspective, this is what he was writing at that time. The cancer was back in force, we'd learned that radiation therapy was not an option because it was back in multiple locations, he'd started chemo again and was dealing with internal bleeding from the botched catheterization. He was in pain all of the time, medicated to the point of dopiness, and alone.

And he was still making music, still writing songs. I hadn't heard the full version of this song until now. When mom posted the lyrics a couple of days ago, I was surprised to see that there was a part I hadn't heard before.

The part I'd heard is an upbeat declaration that he's going to fight this:

Rocket-ship, rocket-ship
Just close the hatch and hit the switch
Rocket-ship OH, rocket ship
Carry me away, fly me a-way
Rocket-ship, rocket ship
Take me far, far a-way 

Out past Mars, and out past Ju-pi-ter
Faster than light and gaining speed
If I can’t beat it then I’ll out-run it
I’ll go so fast, it can’t catch me 

I’ll fly round the earth, Just like Superman
Spin it ‘round, turn back time
Rocket-ship OH, rocket-ship
Send me to a better time 

They say I can’t change, what I can’t change
What’s done is done and set in stone
(But if)  I can go back, I’ll make them see  
I’ll grab a chisel, and shatter that stone

The part I hadn't heard is softer, sadder:

But what if I -- came --- back (…)
And it was all…  the… same (…)
I couldn’t make it go away (…)
Would you still
Would you still
Would you still (…)
love me

Oh yes, I still love you. 

I miss him so much. 

You can see the video here. 

Rocket Ship, Oh Rocket Ship

One year ago today, Michael, wrote the rough draft for the lyrics of the song "Rocket Ship," below. He recorded it the next day and made a movie of himself playing it a few days later. I'd like to post the movie to UTube, with Kevin's help. It seems like an proper anniversary for the song. It is a heart breaker, but a great song. It speaks to his strong will to fight and to win his battle, "If I can't beat then I'll out-run it." Would that he could have.

I found this image with the music. It is the Bracket Park Rocket Ship, as it is today. It has been moved from its original location, enhanced and is now an art object, but it was originally part of the children's playground at Bracket Park, in south Minneapolis.

In 1970, Michael's father and I looked at and decided to buy a house in the Seward Neighborhood. We took Michael, age 3, and Kevin, age 4, to see the new house, which they loved, and on our way back to our rental in Bloomington, we drove past this rocket. We stopped and made our two children very happy by letting them explore it for what seemed like hours. It seemed a good omen that the home and the neighborhood would be a good place for children to grow up in. And it was.

Rocket Ship

©Michael Matheny @1/31/12

Key of D (Mandola capoed in 2)

            D                       G         D

Rocket-ship, rocket-ship

        G                             D       A

Just close the hatch and hit the switch

D                            G        D

Rocket-ship OH, rocket ship

G                       D              A

Carry me away, fly me a-way

D                            G        D

Rocket-ship, rocket ship

                G    A    D

Take me far, far a-way

(leads?)

(X) (X) (X) (X)  -  -  -

D                             G           D      

Out past Mars, and out past Ju-pi-ter

D                                A          D

Faster than light and gaining speed

D                                G        D

If I can’t beat it then I’ll out-run it  ^

D                         A              D

I’ll go so fast, it can’t catch me

I’ll fly round the earth, Just like Superman

Spin it ‘round, turn back time

Rocket-ship OH, rocket-ship

Send me to a better time

They say I can’t change, what I can’t change

What’s done is done and set in stone

(But if)  I can go back, I’ll make them see   ^

I’ll grab a chisel, and shatter that stone

(Lead (S))

Chorus

  

Bridge

                    G     C           A

But what if I -- came --- back (…)

                   G        C      A

And it was all…  the… same (…)

                  G         C    A

I couldn’t make it go away (…)

                  G

Would you still

                  F#m (?)

Would you still

                    A

Would you still (…)

        D

love me

Chorus

(Possible Acapella chorus)

Possible 3^rd Chorus

End:  (X) (X) (X) (X)  -  -  -

P.S. I shared this with LoJo Russo today. She made me aware of the significance of the date. Thank you for that, LoJo, and for your love and support. She too, thought that we could handle seeing this now, I truly hope so. He changed the lyrics somewhat in the movie, making it even more poignant. I hope it is a good thing for all of you to see and hear him and remember how much we miss him. I'd love to hear your comments.

Posted by Marilyn (eclector2), Michael's Mom

El Dorado posted to Youtube

I've posted Michael's recording of El Dorado to Youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhKxHtCV150

It's hard to watch. He looks good, and he sounds good. It reminds me of what I have lost, and it makes me cry. It's beautiful, and I am so glad he recorded it, because at least we still have this.

Michael's Music Legacy

Just before Christmas, I was exploring Michael computer and I found the following note from him to us. It was dated February 20, 2012:

Faced with the harsh reality of a serious cancer diagnosis in 2010, I began to realize that none of us will be here forever. In early 2012, while undergoing chemotherapy and taking advantage of good days and nights as they came, I slowly began working on cataloging and archiving all the songs and tunes that I have written. I also include a few covers (obscure and not so obscure) that I play. I will note which songs are mine and which I have covered. 

Some songs also appear on various recordings here and there, and some are seen here for the first time. Many of these are songs that no one -- not even those closest to me or my bandmates -- have heard me play. I thought it would be nice to get them down, just for the record. 

The video is terrible, and is captured using the built-in iSight camera in my Mac into PhotoBooth. The audio, which is all that matters anyhow, was captured using a Zoom h4n stereo recorder, linked via USB to the desktop. The recordings will not be perfect, and are usually single takes. 

I retain copyright to all of my own songs, and likewise I also copyright the arrangements of my covers.

His movies and the recordings were not new to me, but now I understood them. It was really important for him to capture his music, to have it live on, and to share with us. There was already plan for a CD that was nearly completed, but with these new recordings there will be enough music for perhaps 2 CD's. 

Ray and Jen and Kevin and I are greatly motivated to help Michael see those dreams realized. Ray will do his sound engineering magic with the recordings that Michael has left and other musicians, like Matt Ogden, will help and there will be soon be more Michael music recordings that we can all enjoy.

And it is a joy, I made a CD of his new recordings and played it all through Christmas and New Years. It was a balm to my sad spirit. I had a wonderful moment while napping on the day before Christmas. Mike S. played Michael's CD for me as I was dosing off and I thought "Oh, how wonderful, Michael is here." Almost, but not quite. But it was beautiful and I was so happy for a moment.

There are several of his movies that Kevin and I want to share on You Tube. The first one we will put up as a present to all of us. He is singing "Eldorado" and he looks so great, the way we want to remember him.

Best wishes to you, his friends and family, in the new year and thank you for loving him and helping to keep the sweet memories of him alive.

Michael's Mom

Life After Michael, Six Months On,
How Are We Changed?

Aching loss and constant awareness of his absence. Sadness and bitterness at his life left unfinished. Surrounded by his beautiful, well crafted and quality things. Pain from sudden memories like  lightening bolts. Joy for his music and the sound of his voice. Grateful that he escaped death so many times. Thankful that he was in my life for so long. Awed by all he did in his short life. Amazed by the number of people who loved him and were touched by him.

How do I remember him, honor him and yet go on with my own life?
How has his death changed me? Do I live differently?
Has the sorrow marked me and set me apart?
How have his friends been affected by his death?

What did I learn from Michael? 

I see that I am gentler with myself and others.
Gentleness was always my way, but I more quickly give permission to myself and others to be imperfect and incomplete.

I want to do things I have left undone.
He was so tenacious and pushed the envelope so hard.
I had given up on making any further mark or contribution.
I was old and failing so why even bother to try.
But I saw that he fought every day, not just to live, but to fulfill his dreams.
He planned, until the day he died, to get up out of that bed and have a good life:
to marry Jen, buy a house with her, finish his album, write more music,
become a teacher, go to Holland with his Mom and his brother,
travel with Ray and Gabriel, raise greyhounds,
enjoy the company of his family and friends ...

So, I have a life, a good life, and damnit, I better use it well.
That's what I learned from Michael.

Other Lessons Learned:

Be open and honest with my feelings.
Let sadness be there, but let joy also come in.
Be patient with others and with myself.
Be OK with retiring from the world for a day or a week when needed.
Let those you love know it.
Kiss them and hug them whenever they are within reach.
Keep pursuing the things you want from life.
Do not be discouraged, keep fighting.

My Grief Journal:

Month One
Will I survive this?
Do I even want to?
Can you die of grief?

Month Two
I guess I will live.
I seem to have chosen Life.
One foot ahead of the other.

Month Three
Soggy, tears and stress.
Saying goodbye to his house.
So sorry for all of us.

Month Four
Drowning in his things.
Everything different and changed.
Wanting the normal and comfortable back.

Month Five
Looking for focus and purpose.
Finding it in cooking and working with clay again.
Understanding that I will never be the same.

Month Six
Mind returning to better function.
Being busy is good therapy.
Sadness and tears are there, but do not interfere with life.


Recently Learned:
A grieving person experiences pain. The MRI of the brain of a grieving person looks like that of a person in real physical pain. But then we knew that. Right?

Missing Michael

I am missing Michael very deeply today. Though I miss him nearly every hour of every day, in sometimes heart stopping ways, today I want to reach out and TALK to him. I need his ideas on something that is troubling me.

He would listen to me in his you-have-my-complete-attention kind of way, respect my worries, give me insight, add his own personal knowledge, and provide help and the kind of support and balance that only he can give me because he is Michael, my son, and Kevin's Brother, the missing piece of my family. I miss you so much, Michael.

My daughter made me cry

Nell made me cry tonight.

She didn't mean to. She was catching up with a friend she hasn't seen in a couple of weeks, chattering away about a book that the two of them have just read. They were having a very animated conversation about plot points and characters and the frustration that both of them have with the ending, and at one point Nell remarked to her friend Maggie "if anyone is hearing just one side of this conversation they probably think we're crazy."

She got off the phone, and asked me a question. "Dad," she said. "When you were little, or when you were my age at any rate, did you have a friend you could talk to about anything at all?"

I couldn't answer her, because my voice wouldn't work.

I had a brother. And I could talk to him about anything at all, and he understood my jokes, and I loved him.

The last thing I said to him, when he was able to respond, was "I love you." And through the breathing mask, he said "I love you too."

I miss him every day.

The Long Goodbye

Michael died nearly 5 months ago; a hard, hard, thing to come to terms with. We, who loved him and miss him, have tried to find ways to say goodbye. The letting go is hard, our respect so deep, and the missing him so huge that this seems impossible to do. It seems that with a traditional (sort of) memorial, an Irish Wake, a goodbye to his house, and three separate memorial concerts, we should be able to say that we have paid our respects and completed our goodbyes.

Yes, a part of me knows that there is really no need to say goodbye to him at all because our memories of him will remain with us forever. We also have his beautiful and soul searching music to console us. And, joyfully, he was composing and recording to the end, which means that there are more recording of his music yet to come.

Nevertheless there is still one piece missing.

We found that Michael had made a list of things he wanted us to do for the wake, but we found the list only after the wake was past. As we read it we were relieved and pleased that we had done well in bringing together the people and music that he would have wanted, except for one thing. He wanted the poem, The Lake Isle of Innisfree, to be read by his friend, Bill Lochen. It was to be, I think, his goodbye to us. It seems a message that he was, and that we should be, at peace about his passing.

So I reproduce it here for all his friends and family, his parting message to us. Imagine it being read by Bill Lochen, or you don't know Bill, imagine perhaps Patrick Stewart's voice.

Posted by Mom

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart’s core. 

By William Butler Yeats

Minnesota Renaissance Festival tribute show

I just got this from Michael's Gallowglass bandmate Lojo Russo:

You are invited to a special memorial show for Michael Matheny on Saturday, Sept. 29 at 5pm on the Pavilion Stage at the MN Renaissance Festival.

This show will be a time of remembrance and celebration and will include musical performances by Gallowglass and many of your favorite acts from the MN Renaissance Festival. A traditional “skiffle session” will follow these performances.

Many thanks to Carr Hagerman and the staff at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival for making this happen.

The Minnesota Renaissance Festival ("Festival" to some of us, "RenFest" to others, and simply "the Fair" or "the Renaissance" to many more) was a big part of Michael's life. He discovered it in 1983, I think. I know he talked me into going out there in 1984, in the summer between high school and college. He was assistant stage manager of Crown, where the featured act was Penn & Teller. Over the next few years, he talked Ken Larson out of being a juggler and into being a musician, met Lojo and (after some initial rough patches) formed Gallowglass Irish Trio, which made him part of the Festival forever.

There's a lot of history there, and I'm glad that the musicians and cast members will have the chance to remember Michael in the place where one of his stories began.