Today I'm mainly feeling frustration, though. I was very much at the end of my own patience with this thing on Saturday, and even though the pain had lessened to just a constant ache and burn (as opposed to a tearing sensation) I just could not stand to have this thing any more. Too many changes, modifications, things I can't do or have to do differently. Sleeping was difficult, napping was nearly impossible, walking was painful, etc. Etc. So it's gone, and I'm glad for that. The process was embarrassing and it still is. Early on I made a conscious effort to share the whole story, buy it takes a strong constitution that I do not always possess to talk frankly about socially embarrassing things like this. I end up resenting myself, the world, life. Really I want to turn it all off and return everyone to their regularly scheduled programming. But I'm not quite done dealing with the inconvenience of this, though I would like to be.
As the dust settles, for the most part now my job is to try to make up for 5 months of lost time with school and work, and to try to not worry too much about my 3 month followup at Mayo.
I am thankful for the support, feedback and encouragement that I have had throughout this process. I have learned a great deal about family and friendship. I have been surprised at the cornucopia of reactions to my situation, from panic to apathy. I have found that some of the people I thought I was close to before, I really wasn't... and vice versa. In all, I have learned and have grown.
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12 comments:
". . .to try to not worry too much about my 3 month followup at Mayo."
If you're like me, and you are, you _will_ worry too much about it. And the next time you get a toe ache, you'll worry that you've got toe cancer. Sorry, it's in the genes. But I always take great comfort from the wise words of Marty Feldman as Igor in "Young Frankenstein": "It could be worse. It could be raining."
Ooops. Shoulda signed that one. --Dad.
The light at the end of the tunnel definitely got brighter today. It must be a great relief for you to have regained 95% of your normal life and in less than 2 weeks it will be 99.9%.
You are a little down and frustrated, but I encourage you to be patient with the remaining part of the healing process and the short time it will take for things to function properly.
You have been through a lot. It is OK to let us molly coddle you just a few more days. When you are ready you can tell us all to give you more space.
I agree that you have learned and you have grown during this experience and perhaps in that way it wasn't really "lost time" but maturing and broadening time. I know it has made me love you, admire you, and value you even more.
Love, Mom
hooray, the main act is over! i'm sending you wishes for peace, healing, distractions, and no medical interventions for a good long time.
Whew! Closer and closer. I really admire your courage to share your experiences with us. Remember, you never know how much sharing might mean to someone else either now or in the future. Your words could mean the difference between dispair and courage for someone else because they now have information and pathways they did not have before. Don't be embarrassed to share the hard stuff. For me, information is king (or queen!), the more I know about the reality, better I can cope. You have a lot of people who care about your story and want to know that you are doing ok without creating a lot more chaos and disruption in your already chaotic life. Much love and happiness!!!
Laura
Mike, Laura has written what I have wanted to say to you and couldn't find the words. I would like to add also that even with the serious subject matter I quite enjoyed your writting style.
Colleen
Thanks, all. I really appreciate it!
I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I know you're a private person and it wasn't easy to have your "stuff" all out there. It helped me in a helpless situation, if that makes any sense.
Continue to heal, my friend. Jumping back into your 'normal' life too quickly won't be helpful in the long run.
Much love to you today and always!
Wendy
Congratulations on approaching the good side of normal life again. Very glad to hear that you're getting closer.
Sounds like you're coming around the mountain! Great news!
-A Crowley
You have been in my thoughts, brother, and even though I know how tough this has been for you, I know you are strong and solid as the music you play and will see through all of this...
Somebody said the rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate. I personally think all great writers go directly toward their embarrassments instead of away from them....and I agree with everyone else, I've really enjoyed this blog....hope it doesn't sound weird or insensitive to say that I will miss reading it!
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