How I Am Doing & Other Thoughts

I get a lot of questions that go something like: "how are you doing?" "How are you holding up?" etc. These are always well-meant, but I believe these questions fall into 2 basic categories: rhetorical questions that don't need an answer, or polite inquiries that also are not expected to be answered. I know these are well-intended, but I am essentially holding up as as one might expect. Sometimes shitty, sometimes well. I know that polite society tells us that my response to this question should be "Good" and not to elaborate further. But, in case people are actually curious, here goes: On any given day, It is safe to assume that I am angry, scared, sad, resigned, terrified and scatterbrained.

Physically, I feel basically fine. I have some low-back pain that seems to be linked to the cancer, though the docs have determined that its nothing else worrisome. I have a painkiller prescription that covers up the pain quite nicely. And I get tired easily. This is because my immune system is trying to fight the cancer on its own. Otherwise, I feel close to 100% physically. When the Chemo starts, I will get progressively more tired. Right now there isn't any pain, other than the slight low back pain. Chemo itself won't cause any pain, though I may experience joint stiffness and won't sleep very well. My mind is as clear as its ever been, except for the fact that I am distracted. A severe illness can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I think I probably have that going on as well.

I appreciate people calling me, I really do. One thing I will never get used to, though, is the Awkward Silence. Many will call me and then say little to nothing. I can tell that they are trying to find the Right Thing to Say, but the end result is that I feel even more alone, as searching for the Right Thing to Say frequently means that people Say Nothing At All.

If you choose to Say Something About It, it doesn't need to be finely worded, rehearsed, or worthy of historical texts. If we talk, we *don't* need to talk about the Condition at all. Not sure what to do but want to do something? Send me funny cartoons, Onion Articles, books and bands that you think I should check out, petitions that I can sign to get Minnesota to legalize medicinal marijuana, etc.

If you feel like calling me or writing to me, please do. I would of course love to hear from you. On that note, I have 2 requests, though:

a) That I not be expected to recant the entire Story So Far (I set up the blog partially to avoid having to tell the story over and over and over). Actually, I'd love to talk about almost anything *other* than the ongoing Cancer drama.

b) That you not take it personally if I don't call/write you back right away. I have easy days and hard days. If you catch me on a hard day, it may take until my next easy day before I can get back to you.

The Sickie Pariah

It seems counterintuitive, but the more serious the ailment, the less people call/write or want to talk to you. Reasons for this could be that they are trying to Find the Right Thing to Say, or that they are afraid that you will be a total buzzkill. People may believe that all I will want to talk about is my Condition. Or they may believe that it is somehow not okay to have fun. I spent this last weekend with a few friends and--despite the ominous news--many laughs were had. As often as possible, I try to find ways/excuses to amuse myself and get my mind off of this. I know that people are curious, but sometimes I want to be able to put the whole story on a shelf. This is part of the reason that I don't want to talk about it (or think about it) more than I have to.

Currently, I am experiencing a sudden loneliness, which became markedly more pronounced yesterday when I rolled out the really bad news. In an effort to Say the Right Thing, it seems that many have elected to Say Nothing At All. Believe me, the latter is worse. The only thing worse than feeling like you might not live to see your next birthday is feeling like only a small number would would notice if you weren't there.

I have already experienced the Pariah feeling, and it is fairly gut-wrenching. Ever been fired from a job? Ever met a former co-worker after the fact in a store and had an awkward conversation that basically goes: "Hey," followed by a long silence. How about when someone you meet knows a secret about you: maybe they're friends with your ex and you know that many stories have been told about you. They stand and have conversations with your friends but see you only in their peripheral vision. You can tell they're watching you, but not looking at you. Any of that sound familiar? Well, welcome to life with cancer. The difference is, these are your friends. Good friends, many of them. And it will happen overnight. Yet again, the quest to find the Right Thing to Say often results in awkward silence and even outright avoidance of the sick person. This makes the sick person feel responsible and guilty.

Perhaps--just perhaps--there are people out there that think Cancer is contagious. Sometimes this is the only conclusion I can come to to justify the sudden change in people's behavior.

If you're ever Not Sure What to Say, I welcome you to stare your frustration here. You are not alone. I have felt it myself with other people with severe illnesses.

p.s. Its always okay and call/write me and *tell me* that you Don't Know What to Say.