This is probably going to make you cry.

As I write this, I'm waiting for iMovie to finish prepping Rocket Ship, so I can upload it to Youtube. I've spent the last 30 minutes or so working with it - Mike recorded it and added effects, but he didn't flip the video, so I needed to do that.

And I needed to add a title screen, and a copyright notice. Fair warning, Glee: You bastards steal my brother's music, and I will spend myself fucking broke fighting you. I'm not going to be reasonable about that.

So, Rocket Ship. I had no idea he'd written this song. And I had no idea he was writing music at all. He recorded this on February 10th. For some perspective, this is what he was writing at that time. The cancer was back in force, we'd learned that radiation therapy was not an option because it was back in multiple locations, he'd started chemo again and was dealing with internal bleeding from the botched catheterization. He was in pain all of the time, medicated to the point of dopiness, and alone.

And he was still making music, still writing songs. I hadn't heard the full version of this song until now. When mom posted the lyrics a couple of days ago, I was surprised to see that there was a part I hadn't heard before.

The part I'd heard is an upbeat declaration that he's going to fight this:

Rocket-ship, rocket-ship
Just close the hatch and hit the switch
Rocket-ship OH, rocket ship
Carry me away, fly me a-way
Rocket-ship, rocket ship
Take me far, far a-way 

Out past Mars, and out past Ju-pi-ter
Faster than light and gaining speed
If I can’t beat it then I’ll out-run it
I’ll go so fast, it can’t catch me 

I’ll fly round the earth, Just like Superman
Spin it ‘round, turn back time
Rocket-ship OH, rocket-ship
Send me to a better time 

They say I can’t change, what I can’t change
What’s done is done and set in stone
(But if)  I can go back, I’ll make them see  
I’ll grab a chisel, and shatter that stone

The part I hadn't heard is softer, sadder:

But what if I -- came --- back (…)
And it was all…  the… same (…)
I couldn’t make it go away (…)
Would you still
Would you still
Would you still (…)
love me

Oh yes, I still love you. 

I miss him so much. 

You can see the video here.